Optimism

I was going to entitle this "Middle-aged woman tries to give up drinking". I'm no psychologist, but I suspect that the extra word would doom me to failure from the word go. I may at least feign firm resolve.
I am not an alcoholic; at least, I have never woken up and reached for the vodka. I'm not even sure I'm truly alcohol dependent, inasmuch as if I have to go a day without a drink I can do it - I may feel a bit pissed off about it, but I can do it without suffering any physical symptoms.
Heavy drinker, that's probably me, and what a vile word. All those connotations of boozer's nose (don't have that, yet), broken veins on the face (afraid so) and too many lost evenings to count. Over the last few months, I try not to drink on a "school" night. I work four days a week, so in theory, that's four nights a week that I don't drink. Occasionally I manage it, but more often than not there's a "reason" to open a bottle - stressful day at work (very frequent excuse); someone's birthday (any family member, in whatever country, will do); holiday season (or approaching one, or just ending one), etc, etc. And I'm not a woman of moderation. Usually my husband and I stick to just the one bottle. But, fairly often, we get to the end of the bottle and I (it's pretty much always me) will say, "Do you know, I could just manage one more glass...." and before you know it, another half a bottle has gone down. And then I kid myself that I'm being sensible by not rounding off the evening with a malt whisky. And when we do have a whisky, occasionally I will have a quick nip and top up my glass before carrying them both through.... Why do I do that? I'm a 50-year-old woman who's legally entitled to drink what I like in my own home. My husband wouldn't tick me off for an extra sip or two of whisky. I suppose at least I have the good grace to feel ashamed enough of myself that I want to hide my excesses from his eyes.
I drank a lot in my youth. Huge chunks of time were lost. I never woke up in the gutter, or in a stranger's house, but I drank too much, without a shadow of a doubt. I drank to give myself confidence in a social situation, as so many others do.
So, what prompted the latest attempt to curb my vile habit.
I woke up last Thursday morning with a "bit of a head". I wasn't nauseous, not did I have a pounding headache. I just felt a bit grotty. We'd had that extra glass the night before. And there are just too many mornings when I wake up feeling like that. I can function perfectly well, at home or at work. I'm sure I'm safe to drive. But I just feel a bit grim on so many mornings.
And alcohol is the whip-hand in my diary arrangements. How could I possibly arrange an evening with friends if I've got to work the next day? All my social events depend on me having a free day afterwards, so I can recover.
Many times over the last year I have wished so hard that I didn't drink. How liberating it would be; how much better I would feel. How much money I would save and how much weight I would lose. And on a few occasions I've given it a go. But by the evening, after a tough day at work, I feel I've earned that half bottle of wine. All my family are fairly heavy drinkers on social occasions, and it doesn't seem to have done anyone too much harm....so I tell myself.
However, last Thursday morning, I caught the tail-end of a piece on the Today programme. Some doctor was banging on about how elderly people these days drink too much; some lady Peer was arguing that for many elderly people food and drink are their main pleasure in life, and how dare anyone tell them how many units they are "allowed" to drink. And then some guy from local BBC radio (or it could have been TV) said a few words about how he'd given up drinking. He's been a drinker like me (well, probably less of one, to be honest) - shared a bottle of wine with his wife most evenings, and never thought of himself as a heavy drinker. But he'd become aware that he was drinking way over the recommended limits, and just wondered how he would feel if he stopped. So he did. And did he feel better? - of course he did. He said he slept better, had more energy, and friends and colleagues came up to him and commented on how well he looked.
I didn't hear the end of the piece - I've no idea whether he relapsed or not. I don't care how much elderly people drink; although I think it's a shame if it makes them end up poorly in hospital. But listening to that BBC man made me think how I would so like to have that experience - deep, non-alcohol-induced sleep; energy, looking good enough that people notice it.
So I'm giving it a go - I haven't had a drink for about 5 days now. I don't feel wonderful, but it's early days. My husband is warning me that I will have to start drinking before Christmas or I'll never be able to stand the pace. I'm just taking it day by day.